… Jaggy Bunnet’s 2016 Alamanac and other prophecies …
January
Holyrood’s Queen Nic appoints equality commissioner for Scottish Rallying. Snowman Rally becomes Snowperson rally, Brick & Steel Border Counties is subtitled Petticoats & Lace Border Counties and the Kingdom Stages becomes the Kingdom & Queendom Stages. Newly appointed Child protection Officers have to assume a new additional role as Pensioner Protection Officers due to the high number of auld gits taking part in and watching rallies. Queen Nic now considering appointment of Officers for the protection of teenagers, yuppies, mamils and pre-grumpies. Mr Bean is appointed MSA Safety Delegate for Scottish rallying, then rescinded as he is over qualified for the job. Now awarded to PC Plum who hails fromTobermory. Jordan Black falls off his bike (see his Facebook page). He didn’t know the grown-ups had removed his stabilisers.
February
New Champion Jock Armstrong continues his winning ways by winning Snowperson Rally. Mike Faulkner leading till his battery runs flat and he doesn’t have a pump to inflate it. A rumour circulated at the Snowperson Rally that Barry Groundwater was seen smiling, but sightings were unconfirmed. Quintin Milne buys a new car and hits a tree on the Snowperson Rally. Resolves to give up rallying.
March
Steve Bannister and Greg McKnight score a dead-heat finish, winning the Border Counties. Steve wins the tie-breaking sprint up the steep Abbey Hill as Greg has to stop twice to fasten the buckles on his sandals. Mike Faulkner leading till he gets his ‘headlamps washer’ caught in his zip when he steps behind a tree for a pee. Q buys a boat and hits a buoy. The buoy’s fuather hits him back.
April
Bruce McCombie wins Speyside Stages. Championship organisers have to appoint a Doric translator for his speech at the prizegiving. Mike Faulkner leading till Peter spills his soup over his Timecards. As Peter wasn’t wearing his bib, crew penalised for ineffective spill kit. Q buys a microlight and hits the new National grid power lines, blacking out the north east of Scotland and singes his personal undercarriage in the process.
Bruce Edwards fails to start the Ingliston Stages. His service crew couldn’t get him into the Darrian. They left the shoe-horn at home. Lee Hastings doesn’t hit anything.
May
Mutiny and mayhem at Kames when Rhona forgets to bring the tablet tin – again. South Lanarkshire Council converts winter gritters to liquid gel spreaders. They plan to spray the M74 and M8 roadworks with Vicks Vaporub to reduce congestion. Farmer Rory Young buys a bulldozer – but can’t wake it up to service his cows.
June
Mark McCulloch thinks he wins Jim Clark Rally. Craig Wallace was using an old Roadbook and they did all six 2012 tarmac stages while everyone else contested this year’s five forest stages. Donnie the Ditch won the 2016 forest event. Faulkner leading till Brillo pads in exhaust catch fire. Q buys a horse. The RSPCA ban him following futile attempts to jump start it from the mains.
Dumfries Cooncil signs up as sponsor of the RSAC Scottish Rally. They think they’re dealing with royalty when Jonathan signs the paperwork in his usual fashion – ‘Lord, Jonathan’.
Fraser Wilson wins Scottish Rally. Championship organisers have to appoint a Galloway-Irish translator for his speech at the prizegiving. Faulkner leading till all his wheels fell off after forgetting to tighten his nuts. Brian Watson signs over 100 autographs before the weans realise he’s not Shrek. Concern is expressed for the welfare of Shaun Sinclair who was seen to be in floods of tears and was inconsolable. He’d just seen Watson’s disappointment and couldn’t stop laughing. It was alleged that Barry Groundwater was again seen smiling but there are no photographs. Q takes up caber tossing. Caber tossing gives up on Q. He can’t lift the bluidy thing.
July
There was trouble for Dunfermline Car Club ahead of the Machrihanish event when the Mull of Kintyre declared independence from the Queendom of Scotland and erected barriers and border controls at the Crinan Canal at Ardrishaig. Mainland government responded with digging more elephant traps along the canal crossings to ensure that the native population of elephants remains in the Mull (see previous stories about native Argyll elephant population.) Permission was granted to enable the third Mach1 Stages Rally to go ahead but all rally teams were issued temporary VISA permits for rally weekend only. Big Hamish fits a new roll cage. He’s trying to keep his filled rolls and Irn Bru away from Howie.
August
Armstrong wins Grampian Stages but gets shot at as he does a star jump off the roof of the car by nearby trigger happy grouse shooters who spot the flash of orange against the skyline. Faulkner leading till a fly fisher hooks his tackle around his differential. Martin Forrest inadvertently causes mass panic spectator stampede at Durris spectator area. Commentator Stewart Weir (from Larkhall) reads out his name over the tannoy, and the spectators thinks he is saying “martian in forest”. Q takes up welly boot throwing. Crowd tell him to put the wellies back on his feet – immediately!
Day 2 of Solway Coast Rally is abandoned after party at end of Day 1 when bar runs out of drink, barbecue runs out of roadkill and organisers run out of the will to carry on. Murray Coulthard invites his out of work uncle (sacked by the BBC) to drive his car. It’s the slowest the Citroen has been driven all year and is well-gubbed by Alan McMorran in the Avenger.
September
Mike Faulkner wins Galloway Hills. Armstrong leading till Paula gets locked in the ladies loo touching up her makeup. Faulkner spotted clutching a large key, but claims he is now 21 and it’s for the door of his hoose. John Morrison also misses out when he is distracted by the ‘buy one get one free’ special offer in Wigtown’s Pie Shop. Q is awarded a special commendation by the Forestry Commission – he’s knocked down more trees than they have.
October
Scots crews make a clean sweep at Wales Rally GB. Jim McRae, Mike Faulkner and Jock Armstrong fill the podium on the National event while David Bogie and Euan Thorburn gub the French, the Germans and the Far Eastern lot (that’s further east than Edinburgh!) on the International. Competitor Liaison Officer ‘Big Jim’ gets shot at by a jealous foreign team. Enraged, the big chap retaliates. The Police are called, but are unable to take action. They can’t find the weapon, although the alleged perpetrator is seen to be walking with a distinct limp and is unable to bend down.
November
At the end of season awards night an over abundance of brussels sprouts with the turkey dinners washed down by excessive amounts of alcohol and followed by a slice of porridge for breakfast lead to complaints at the European Parliament in Brussels. People are fainting in the streets of Glasgow as the emissions from farting, bum-scratching rallyists rising from their beds after a night of jigging, bevvying and banter, seep out over the city. Volkswagen complains about the unfair treatment handed out to them over emissions whilst the Scots get away with it.
December
Police are concerned that there is no sign of Alison Clark from ‘Go Motorsport’. She took her own advice and has ‘gone’. ‘Crackin’ Craic’ (see their Facebook page) score the coveted Christmas Number 1 slot on the Radio 1, 2, 3 and 4 pop music charts. Barry Groundwater was seen smiling and this time was captured on SRC TV by the ever zealous Ally Beck. The video on YouTube went viral as people from all nations all across the world wanted to see this unique and wondrous sight, providing proof and confirmation that there is indeed hope for mankind and the future of world happiness as it teeters on the brink of 2017.
Happy New Year everyone. Stay safe, be successful and may the forests be with you.
Disclaimer – Please Note: Any similarity to any living person is mostly accidental and almost unintentional.
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